just received an email from my teacher saying how i was too complacent. and not really working hard with a drive to win. and that the flaws in my work will be seen immediately. so. I need to buck up.

previously, i was whooping with joy i got shortlisted. and was allowing myself to hope that i really might have a good jab at the 4 prizes. now mostly i feel sad and guilty and regretful. feels like something shrank back into my stomach. i am mostly just wondering if i should try to improve. cos i have like 2 half days and that's all.

i should. i guess.

you got to know who's lying

first day of school. i am sitting in the middle row at the right side. so if you feel like giving me something. feel free to do so.

well. seems like people tend to forget you soon enough. like. when you don't come into contact with some people. it gets real hard to start the talking thing again. really. you feel like you are being stupid trying. dude. why is that kid looking at you weirdly and replying in polite cliche phrases. why?

gross.

long enough. you'd be like strangers. you pretend you no longer know each other. i felt like the worse person in the whole world. you hope darkly. so will that kid.

if you do ever start talking. you have to get past a big wall otherwise known as Her Social Circle. made of people that kid has made friends with while you were making friends too.

you can't just squeeze back in without feeling dumb.

i try to do my own things. and smile when someone looks my way. cos that makes one feel good. i am being friendly, will you too? please? then you figure you might just accidentally give off a 'i am a loner since three, beware' aura when you start doing your own things, so you look around sorta blindly and smile sorta weirdly. i am being really friendly now. just smile back lady.

oh. i think i am being quite annoying.

so no more.

i got into sap. i need to announce this. i feel kind of, secretly, very proud. though seven others got in. i think. out of the 13 that came. that's half. the teacher took the opportunity to tell me not to submit works late again. cos it makes her conflicted. or whatever. i said so many 'yeah's without trying to sound rebellious that i think i sounded rebellious anyway. then i smiled just in case.

are you taking art at a levels. planning to? yeah
are you free on thurs? yeah.. i think
what's your specialisation? (everything, smirk-smirk, nah, just kidding)i am not sure, yeah.
so, i saw your works, i can see your passion for art. yeah. thank you. (you too. smile winningly)
you like to use colours, no? yeah. (smile one more time)
but none of your works have a clean finish. so there's room for improvement, alright? yeah. ok. yeah.

and then. i forgot all the rest. i remember being very pleased with my drawing before losing most of my confidence when i saw the other. mine looked like it was fading away. too light. i shouldn't have used that hb pencil.

hm.

alright. thank you and have a nice day. happy birthday huijie.

ok

i am back.

holidays are here. like approximately one month ago. it felt like eons has passed since i last touched a textbook. this holiday was supposed to be incredibly fruitful. what with earning money while giving tuition. and studying for sec 3, and exercising and preparing for my sap selection test.

and om. though now i have no idea what is going on.

i did almost nothing. i did some drawing and painting. but then i got tired of staring at the paper for so long, and my eyes hurt. it felt so dumb to try to churn out work that i stopped at three. and thats a lot. i say.

but now. i have 180 DOLLARS from giving tuition to a p5 kid. whose only concern is that his break is half an hour long. or more. most of the time i protest a little before joining him. i think that is somehow a common goal of ours.

he is a nice enough kid. at least he doesn't ignore me. as long as i raise my voice more.

studying. ahem. and exercising. well. i did some bio and chem. and ran for a bit. and found out that i must have some muscle because i can do more that 5 push-ups in a row without wriggling too hard.

alright. and now i have to change my blogskin cos the font size is WAY too small. and there is this great big white column on the left which is getting sort of glaring. and i am bored of it. for most part.

ok. good bye and have a nice day. i will study soon. and draw. and delete that previous post which has that three weird people and replace it with the cow one that i did a few weeks ago.